Buttigieg Incredulous He's Expected to Address Train Derailment

WASHINGTON — Secretary of Transportation Pete Buttigieg on Thursday lashed out at critics of his non-response to the train derailment that released toxic chemicals in East Palestine, Ohio on Feb. 3.

“Yes, it took me 11 days to comment on an emergency directly related to my job, however, did you see me discussing the Chinese spy balloon on the Sunday talk shows? That doesn’t have much to do with transportation, but everyone says I’m very telegenic,” Buttigieg responded to a question about East Palestine residents’ pets dying despite being told that it was safe to return to their homes.

Asked if the Biden administration would tighten regulations on the railroad industry, which still relies on Civil War-era brake technology, Buttigieg said he had reached out to the CEOs of several rail shipment companies, and was awaiting instructions.

“You don’t seriously expect me, a former corporate consultant, to take on railroad corporate interests, do you?” Buttigieg scoffed. “What’s next, am I supposed to regulate the airline industry too?”

Some say the mounting pressure on Buttigieg from both the left and right is unfair. “It’s clear that any criticism of Secretary Pete is homophobic,” said Grant Stern, executive director of liberal advocacy group Occupy Democrats. “Would we ask a straight transportation secretary to fulfill the basic duties of his job? I think not.”

Asked for comment Thursday, President Joe Biden said, “Look, here’s the deal: everyone knows I’m a train guy. You won’t catch me saying one negative word about the choo-choos. Besides, I’m still continuing my quixotic quest to get Mitch McConnell to work with me on my legislative agenda despite there never being any indication that he would be willing to do so. Mitch’s wife — I forget her name, but you know who I’m talking about, right? The oriental lady who was transportation secretary — anyway, she was the one who deregulated the rail brake rules, so I’m afraid of upsetting her and Mitch if I undo her reckless decisions that are putting lives at risk every day. So instead I'll do nothing.”