Dianne Feinstein Announces Retirement as Switchboard Operator

WASHINGTON — Senator Dianne Feinstein announced Monday that she will soon retire from her role as a switchboard operator for the Bell Telephone System.

The 89-year-old Democrat told confused reporters at the U.S. Capitol that she felt it was time to finally fulfill her lifelong dream of running for Congress. “I have always wanted to try my hand at politics, and it feels like the right time now that my children are off to college,” Feinstein said. 

“I know it seems unlikely for a woman as young as me to be elected to Congress, but Washington needs an infusion of youth,” Feinstein said. “Some members of Congress hold on to power for far too long, even after their cognitive abilities have obviously deteriorated. In contrast, I will be a breath of fresh air to the stuffy halls of Congress.”

She added, “If elected, my top priority in Congress would be to work with President Reagan to put an end to the Cold War.”