Feinstein’s Corpse Will Remain Senator

WASHINGTON — The freshly taxidermied corpse of Sen. Dianne Feinstein reported for work in the Senate Saturday.

In her will, Feinstein stipulated that her cadaver continue to serve in the Senate for the remainder of her term and run for re-election if it wants to.

Feinstein’s office said in a statement, “Sen. Feinstein remains the best person to represent the 40 million people of California, even though she is dead. Whether or not she is alive is irrelevant to her capacity to serve in the Senate. It is ageist to suggest that deceased people cannot hold federal office.”

Leaders in both parties voiced support for Feinstein’s dead body remaining in office. Senate colleagues said there was no discernible difference between living Feinstein and her dead body. “To be honest, we didn’t even notice when she died during our committee meeting yesterday,” Sen. Cory Booker admitted.

Chair of the Judiciary Committee Sen. Dick Durbin said in a statement he would defer to Feinstein’s corpse’s best judgment about its ability to serve.

In a bipartisan show of support, Sen. Mitch McConnell said he supported Feinstein’s corpse remaining in office. “I certainly hope that when I die, I will be permitted to keep my—,” McConnell said before freezing mid-sentence.