Pentagon: China’s Spy Balloon Useless as US is Covered by One-Way Mirror

WASHINGTON- Seeking to reassure nervous Americans, the Pentagon claimed Saturday evening that the entire continental United States has secretly been covered by a one-way mirror for years, meaning China’s spy balloon was unable to collect any information.

“Yes, we allowed a spying aircraft from our most dangerous rival to traverse the entire latitude of the US for a whole week, including over an intercontinental ballistic missiles base. And yes, we knew about the balloon well before it crossed into US airspace, and chose to allow it to enter. We know our handling of the situation sounds incompetent given our $800 billion annual budget,” Secretary of Defense Lloyd Austin said. 

“However, this was actually beneficial for national security because with our giant one-way mirror, we were able to study the balloon and its equipment, while the balloon could only see a reflection of itself,” Austin said. 

When told by a reporter that this explanation sounded like a 5-year-old playing with action figures telling his friend, “Actually, you didn’t hit me at all because I had an invisible force field around me the whole time,” Austin responded, “I know you are, but what am I?”

Austin added, “No one is allowed to spy on Americans except for their own government and large corporations.”

Asked for comment Sunday, President Joe Biden said, “All I have to say about balloons is that at birthday parties I like to rub them against ladies’ hair so that they stick. Everyone ought to try it. I don’t know if it works the same with oriental balloons though.”