US Looking for Ways to Escalate Israel-Palestine Conflict

Secretary of State Anthony Blinken said Friday that US officials were working around the clock to find ways to escalate the Israel-Palestine conflict.

“I promise the American people that we will not rest until we have expanded this conflict to at least one other neighboring country,” Blinken said in press conference. “Our number one prospect currently is finding a means to implicate Iran in Hamas’ attack on Israel.”

“We would also love to get Syria to send troops for the other team as well. The more in the game, the merrier,” Blinken said. “The ultimate goal is to escalate the war to the point that we can justify sending American troops, and our defense contractors can reap the profits of a prolonged multi-nation war. Obviously, a world war would be the dream scenario, but that would take all the stars aligning perfectly.”

Blinken also responded to calls for a cease-fire in Gaza, saying, “The United States does not negotiate with pro-peace organizations. Doctors Without Borders is a dangerous group that is not to be trusted.”

After concluding his remarks and beginning to walk away, Blinken added, “Oh yeah, and Netanyahu said they’ll allow humanitarian aid into Gaza sometime in the next month or two after they’ve destroyed every building. They might turn the water back on at some point too. I didn’t really ask for details.”